I Can't Believe I'm going to be A Mom

I know this sounds strange, but every time I wake up it's like remembering I'm pregnant all over again. I've really been enjoying being pregnant the last few days. Well, as much as I can enjoy it. Some people love it. I have never loved it and probably never will. Is it cool to feel them kicking in there? Of course! But most times it's uncomfortable. And it's just going to get worse cause right now they're just tiny still! (By "tiny" I mean that at my last ultrasound they weighed less than 1.5 lbs each.) Also, it's nice to have an excuse to have a big belly and chubby thighs. And arms. And face. But it's okay! Because I'm pregnant and I'm not going to do anything that wouldn't be good for them just because I'm worried about my body image. I'll lose weight again after they're born. I've done it before. Anyway, this is completely not why I'm writing today.....

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about my babies. It just boggles my mind that I have a human growing inside me. Two humans!! They are kicking and moving a ton lately so it's getting more difficult to forget they are there, but sometimes I still feel like it's just a massive gas bubble moving through my bowels or something.

I kind of feel bad that my brain is not totally comprehending what is going on. I mean, this is going to end soon and what if I don't remember it like I should? I feel like a dummy. Oh, I will remember the vomiting (hard to forget that), and the growing pains, and how difficult it is to get in and out of a car. And walk (sometimes). But these are things I reflect back on and recognize that they happened/are happening, but I don't cringe at the memory. I think I just feel like one should feel differently when they are pregnant. It's not easy and there are many discomforts, but is that what it's supposed to "feel" like? I think not, cause, like I said, I'm already feeling that. Am I supposed to feel like there are always two people with me? Like I'm never alone? What am I missing?

I must admit. I'm not a great pregnant mom. I don't really talk to them much, or sing to them, or put headphones on my belly and play Beethoven. OH, but I have played "Wild Ones" by Flo Rida a couple times. That's something. They didn't really respond though. Nick played some rock music for them one time too, and I don't think they liked that much either.  Sometimes I talk to them. I had to have a heart to heart with them one time....more on that later. ;) Nick talks to them sometimes. Probably more than me, even though they are with me ALL THE TIME. I don't know what to say to them I guess. Is it strange to feel like you're shy around your babies?

I have always been a planner, but I have to say, having twins has completely thrown me for a loop! All the plans I have don't seem to make sense. I just can't comprehend what it's going to be like to have two of them to take care of at the same time. I plan on putting them on the same sleep, eat, play cycle, but will they cooperate? I don't know who these little people are! I think that's another thing I'm afraid of: even though they've been in my belly for 30-something weeks they will seem like strangers to me when I see them in person. You hear people all the time say that they instantly fall in love with their babies the second they see them, and I don't doubt that I will, but...does my heart really have the capacity to all the sudden love two babies like I'm supposed to love them? Will I love them because they are my children and I feel bonded to them, or just because they are babies? I love babies. I always have, but not like my own children.

I'm also worried about my ability to raise them to be better than me. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life that I don't want them to make, but I don't know how to prevent that. I can always of course warn them, duh, but I got the same warnings. Sometimes, I believe, people just have to experience it for themselves and learn that hard way. But I don't want them to. I want them to listen to me!

I used to think I'd be a great mom. It seems I've forgotten a lot of the things I planned to do to make me a "great mom." I should start a list. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Then I'll write it in this here "journal" and my kids can read it and laugh and be like "Mom, you never did any of this!" JK! I'll probably do something from that list. Right?

Although it appears I have many doubts and much confusion, I do have some really great moments. Moments when I can imagine holding them. Imagine them crying and it breaking my heart. Imagine me losing my temper and already feeling guilty and regretful about it. I guess that doesn't sound like a great moment...what I mean is I feel like Heavenly Father is preparing me for what it will feel like to love these little babies. And to feel like they are mine. I wish I felt closer to heaven because I'm pregnant. Hopefully that will come when they are born. But I think a large part of me will be focused on what a stinky situation labor is. THAT is something I am freaking out about a little, but only a little because honestly I don't let myself dwell on it that much. So, in the mean time, I will be praying that heaven is near when these dear little children come and that I can be the kind of mom Heavenly Father trusts me to be. After all, He did trust Nick and I to be able to handle two babies at once and that is pretty special. :)

"Well, let's see if there's two in there....hahahaha....oh wait, there is"

Our 8 week appointment arrived and we were excited to see our baby. Nick was really looking forward to hearing a heart beat and I just wanted to see a baby in there that was moving and growing because it still didn't seem real to me. I will say this, I had read on the internet that "morning sickness" can occur around 6 weeks. Which it did. It was nothing severe...YET. Just uncomfortable. I remember I called my OB office to get a prescription for zofran. I love Zofran. I should name one of these babies zofran. So I felt sick, but not pregnant. It's complicated.

The doctor that day talked to us for a few minutes-encouraged us to find a good resource on the internet that we could refer to for general questions, asked about my symptoms, I asked some questions I had written down, and then he said "Well, go ahead and lay on back and we'll see if there's two in there! You'd be surprised how many first time parents want twins because they have no idea what they're getting into." We laughed and I told him I wouldn't mind having twins, but I was mostly just hoping to find a growing baby in there cause I had miscarried in October. He was moving the ultrasound probe all around and up and down and he said "huh." Although that's not really something you expect your doctor to say when he is doing an ultrasound, I didn't feel a sense of panic or anything. There was just still that slight worry that maybe there wasn't anything in there. So I'm trying to figure out what is on the screen (which is impossible) and he says "Well do you want the bad news or the good news first?" Again, I didn't feel panicked I just told him I'd hear both anyway so just come out with it and he said "There's two in there" and this is what he showed us:

Well, I didn't see that coming. Yet I wasn't completely surprised either. I've always felt I would have twins someday. Nick and I had played a mean joke on his family the April Fool's before where we brought two baby blessing outfits to pretend we were announcing we were pregnant with twins. It was mean, and they all said we jinxed ourselves, which I was fine with. :) It also took away a little of the excitement that we were actually having twins because they didn't know whether to believe us or not! So after we processed for a few minutes Nick asked what the other news was (we weren't sure whether the doctor considered this good or bad news) and he said "it was both." After he had told us there were "two in there" he was talking about blah, blah, blah...I wasn't really paying super close attention because I was just trying to grasp the idea that not only am I really pregnant, but there are two in there!! Anyway, I had caught him saying something about their "membranes" not being separate, so to me twins is good news and I was afraid the bad news was that they were conjoined and I was going to have freak babies and how was I going to love them, and how was that going to change our life? (I know that sounds awful of me, but come on, that would be a hard life!) And wasn't it a little too early for them to stay conjoined? They were only 8 weeks old! But the doctor reassured me there were two separate bodies in there and that most likely they were identical. Which dashed by hopes for boy/girl twins a little bit, but I still held on to some hope.

We were so excited and all our family knew that we were having our ultrasound that day so we went around showing everybody the picture and seeing if they could tell they were twins by just looking at it.

Here are some fun facts related to this pregnancy:

• Right around the same time I got my positive pregnancy test, my brother Rick and SIL Jennifer announced that they were expecting-and she was about 4 weeks. It was a little sad not to announce first, but I wanted to wait until around 12 weeks to tell my family and that was around Christmas time when we could all be together at once.
• I feel like I made this happen with my mind power. On many days I would happen to look at the clock at 12:34 or 1-2-3-4 so I would make a wish. At first my wish was that I would have a baby or be pregnant within a year. After my miscarriage it became that I would have bab(ies). Then the sweet whisperings of the spirit warned "Be careful what you wish for" in a very lighthearted way and I quickly changed my wish to "or whatever you think is best." Then, before my positive pregnancy test, when I had a feeling I might be pregnant I thought about that little egg and with my mind power I willed it to divide. Now I'm having identical twins! I should have been more specific on wanting a boy and a girl I guess.....
• We told Nick's family by writing "we're pregnant" in icing on a cake. We did it ourselves and it was the UGLIEST thing ever. I am literally laughing out loud right now at the memory. I wish we had a picture. The words just melted all together and it was so hard to tell what it said. We asked his mom to cut it because of course we wanted her to "know first" out of the family. She was busy though so we was just going to cut right into it without reading it so we asked her what it said. Of course she couldn't tell so Nick's brother Cam read it and figured it out and all the family heard the commotion from the other room. It was funny.
• We told my family with a picture. My mom had asked for a couple picture from each of us to display in her home. We bought a double frame and put a picture of me and Nick in one spot and a picture of the positive pregnancy test in the other. It was hard not to want to give my present first, but I was patient. Rick and Jennifer gave their gifts and announced, again, that they were expecting. It was kind of awkwardly funny because the only ones in the room that didn't know yet was my sister Erica and her husband Joseph so we were all fairly quiet considering the news they just announced and more watching Erica and Joseph for their reactions. It was funny to watch because they started clapping and cheering, yet, they were confused by everyone else's reaction so they were like "what's going on? Are we not excited?" We all just laughed because of course we were excited, but we already knew! Anyway...So when it became our turn to hand out our gifts I purposefully waited and gave my mom her present last so more people would be aware of what was going on. She started crying and jumping around and it took everybody by surprise! Next was by brother Blake and his wife Stephanie so we all looked at them expectantly wondering if they were going to announce that they were pregnant too. But they had no announcement that day.
• Four weeks later Blake and Stephanie did announce they were pregnant! They thought they were at Christmas, but didn't have a positive test yet. So come to find out all of us are due within 1-2 weeks of each other!
• As soon as I found out I was having twins I immediately emailed to join a group called Utah Valley Moms of Multiples (UVMoMs). They are so funny and such a great resource!!!

To copy one of those MoM's blog posts with her pregnancy stats, here are some of mine so far:

• # of pounds I've gained: 27ish. Not bad considering I'm 25 weeks along. But these babies have 2 months to gain four more pounds each so I know I'll gain a ton here pretty quick. Hopefully it will all be their weight and not mine ;)
• How far along I was when I finally felt movement: 23 weeks (I think). My placenta was toward the front which hindered the feeling of them moving inside me. Now they kick fairly regularly and, thankfully for now, it's not too hard, but it does make me feel like I've got some serious stomach issues going on. Speaking of stomach issues...
• Number of times I've thrown up: too many. I seriously never even thought of counting, but if I did it would be ridiculous. There were days I would just lay in bed and throw up every 30-45 min for a couple hours. Awful. Last time I threw up: 4 days ago. Ya, it's not going away. I know I'll be doing this the whole time, but at least it's not as frequently as before.
• Number of times I've gotten heart burn: daily since about 18 weeks. You do the math ;)
• Number of times I've changed my clothes because I smell like pee: too many to mention. Even now I have poor bladder control and it just comes out with the retching. So fun.
• Cravings: none really. Since I was so sick I just ate what sounded appetizing and wouldn't taste gross coming up again if I did throw it up. I've eaten lots of toast and cereal. Toast is my food BFF. Milk was a go-to food as well for a little while until it started feeling like it was curdling in my stomach. Soy milk is better for me now. 

Well, in case you didn't notice I haven't mentioned what the babies' gender is yet. No, we are not those crazies who wait until they're born to find out. I am way too much of a planner to do that. So until next time, I'll just have to keep you guessing!

See those little babies in there! 12 week Ultasound

I Better Write this Down or I'll Really Be Behind...

Well, I fell out of the saddle again. I never really liked horse back riding anyway...I actually had a dream about horses last night. And the Louvre (in Paris)...strange.

So I have stopped losing weight and actually gained weight. **sigh** I guess that's what happens since

I'M PREGNANT!!! :)

I'll tell you a little story...

 Back in October (of 2012) I was about four days late. We were just doing our thang, deciding to take life as it came. (Well, actually I was using an Ovulation tracker app on my Kindle, more for fun and curiosity than trying to get pregnant.) So Nick suggested that I take a pregnancy test. The results were definitely not a NO, but it was so faint I couldn't trust it was a YES either. So I took four tests, all with the same faint line. It is such a strange feeling to get a "positive" on a pregnancy test. I had imagined that I would be pregnant someday, imagined getting a positive, imagined what it would feel like to be pregnant, etc, etc. However, when I actually saw the line it was such a strange feeling. I was like "really? Is this really happening because I don't feel pregnant." And you can't go tell everybody because it's only been a few days (well, kind of). And the line is faint! Well, I made an OB appointment and called a regular family practice doctor here in Saratoga. The OB office doesn't see pregnant women until they are 8 weeks, which I knew, but I scheduled an appointment with a regular doctor to get a blood test to confirm what the home pregnancy tests were claiming. Warning: He was an idiot.

Sadly, about two hours before my doctor's appointment I had started bleeding. :( I had taken my tests on a wednesday and my appointment was on a friday. You can imagine I was a little bit emotional. I clearly stated on my history form that I was there for "possible pregnancy" yet he chose to overlook that until about 20 minutes into the appointment. I had been crying earlier to the MA who had taken my vital signs cause she asked why I was being seen that day AND entered it into the computer so you would think this stupid guy would have a clue. So finally we get to the part about me being pregnant and starting to bleed and the idiot WASN'T EVEN GOING TO DO ANY TESTS!!! He was all like "well, you may be miscarrying, you may not. Just call us in a few days when the bleeding stops." Ooooh, it makes my blood boil now just thinking about it. So basically I insisted, stating that four different pregnancy tests were hard to ignore. He says to me "OHHHH! You said you took four different pregnancy tests! I thought you said you took a pregnancy test and saw four lines and I thought 'I don't know what you're talking about." FOR THE LOVE....!!!! Then ask you *choice/unkind name*!!!! Needless to say, I will not be back there.

So I go get my blood drawn to check my Hcg level. I continued to bleed through the weekend so I call my OB office on monday and tell the receptionist that I needed to cancel my appointment because I think I had miscarried, but I still wanted to schedule an appointment with an Nurse Practitioner or Physician's Assistant or something because, let's face it, I had some questions. She said she didn't feel comfortable doing that and asked if she could have a nurse call me. Well, of course! Thanks for caring!! The nurse called and said the doctor wanted me to go in THAT DAY and have an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. Hallelujah, someone who knows what they're doing!!!

Short story shorter, I repeated a blood test, my ultrasound was normal/no baby or sign of a problem so they confirmed that I did indeed have a miscarriage. My OB doctors were INCREDIBLE!!!! They were so sweet and they took the time to make sure that I understood that this was not my fault, it was nothing that I did or didn't do, etc. Dr Lamoreaux, who was on call that night, had been busy delivering babies all day, but still looked at my test results and called me at 10:00 or so that night with the results and took at least 15 minutes again explaining that it wasn't my fault, my chances or miscarrying in the future, that I didn't have to wait to keep trying etc.  Such a tender mercy and gave me the peace and closure I needed to return to work the next day (I had a four day weekend while all of this was going on so it was nice to get in addressed and taken care of before I had to get back to work). I was still sad at times and would cry. I do remember over the weekend feeling a sweet little spirit around the home.

Well, come November (the very next month) Nick asks me when I'm supposed to start my period. I told him I was supposed to start that very day, but hadn't. He again suggested I take a test. I had bought tons so I took one out and did my thang. I usually try not to look at it too soon, but I had it in front of me while I was doing something at the sink and I said "Oh my gosh, honey you gotta come look at this." There it was....BAM!!!  The brightest pink line SECONDS after absorbing the urine (sorry, gross I know). I don't even think the control line had showed up yet. So there we were, staring pregnancy and a change in our life as we knew it in the face. I was still hurting a little from the last time so I didn't know what to feel. Well, little did we know at the time that there was not one baby, but TWO BABIES in there! That's right, I'm having TWINS!!! Maybe that was why the line showed up so quickly. More on that story later :)

11 weeks (I think)