Sunday, May 26, 2013

I Can't Believe I'm going to be A Mom

I know this sounds strange, but every time I wake up it's like remembering I'm pregnant all over again. I've really been enjoying being pregnant the last few days. Well, as much as I can enjoy it. Some people love it. I have never loved it and probably never will. Is it cool to feel them kicking in there? Of course! But most times it's uncomfortable. And it's just going to get worse cause right now they're just tiny still! (By "tiny" I mean that at my last ultrasound they weighed less than 1.5 lbs each.) Also, it's nice to have an excuse to have a big belly and chubby thighs. And arms. And face. But it's okay! Because I'm pregnant and I'm not going to do anything that wouldn't be good for them just because I'm worried about my body image. I'll lose weight again after they're born. I've done it before. Anyway, this is completely not why I'm writing today.....

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about my babies. It just boggles my mind that I have a human growing inside me. Two humans!! They are kicking and moving a ton lately so it's getting more difficult to forget they are there, but sometimes I still feel like it's just a massive gas bubble moving through my bowels or something.

I kind of feel bad that my brain is not totally comprehending what is going on. I mean, this is going to end soon and what if I don't remember it like I should? I feel like a dummy. Oh, I will remember the vomiting (hard to forget that), and the growing pains, and how difficult it is to get in and out of a car. And walk (sometimes). But these are things I reflect back on and recognize that they happened/are happening, but I don't cringe at the memory. I think I just feel like one should feel differently when they are pregnant. It's not easy and there are many discomforts, but is that what it's supposed to "feel" like? I think not, cause, like I said, I'm already feeling that. Am I supposed to feel like there are always two people with me? Like I'm never alone? What am I missing?

I must admit. I'm not a great pregnant mom. I don't really talk to them much, or sing to them, or put headphones on my belly and play Beethoven. OH, but I have played "Wild Ones" by Flo Rida a couple times. That's something. They didn't really respond though. Nick played some rock music for them one time too, and I don't think they liked that much either.  Sometimes I talk to them. I had to have a heart to heart with them one time....more on that later. ;) Nick talks to them sometimes. Probably more than me, even though they are with me ALL THE TIME. I don't know what to say to them I guess. Is it strange to feel like you're shy around your babies?

I have always been a planner, but I have to say, having twins has completely thrown me for a loop! All the plans I have don't seem to make sense. I just can't comprehend what it's going to be like to have two of them to take care of at the same time. I plan on putting them on the same sleep, eat, play cycle, but will they cooperate? I don't know who these little people are! I think that's another thing I'm afraid of: even though they've been in my belly for 30-something weeks they will seem like strangers to me when I see them in person. You hear people all the time say that they instantly fall in love with their babies the second they see them, and I don't doubt that I will, but...does my heart really have the capacity to all the sudden love two babies like I'm supposed to love them? Will I love them because they are my children and I feel bonded to them, or just because they are babies? I love babies. I always have, but not like my own children.

I'm also worried about my ability to raise them to be better than me. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life that I don't want them to make, but I don't know how to prevent that. I can always of course warn them, duh, but I got the same warnings. Sometimes, I believe, people just have to experience it for themselves and learn that hard way. But I don't want them to. I want them to listen to me!

I used to think I'd be a great mom. It seems I've forgotten a lot of the things I planned to do to make me a "great mom." I should start a list. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Then I'll write it in this here "journal" and my kids can read it and laugh and be like "Mom, you never did any of this!" JK! I'll probably do something from that list. Right?

Although it appears I have many doubts and much confusion, I do have some really great moments. Moments when I can imagine holding them. Imagine them crying and it breaking my heart. Imagine me losing my temper and already feeling guilty and regretful about it. I guess that doesn't sound like a great moment...what I mean is I feel like Heavenly Father is preparing me for what it will feel like to love these little babies. And to feel like they are mine. I wish I felt closer to heaven because I'm pregnant. Hopefully that will come when they are born. But I think a large part of me will be focused on what a stinky situation labor is. THAT is something I am freaking out about a little, but only a little because honestly I don't let myself dwell on it that much. So, in the mean time, I will be praying that heaven is near when these dear little children come and that I can be the kind of mom Heavenly Father trusts me to be. After all, He did trust Nick and I to be able to handle two babies at once and that is pretty special. :)